T-5 weeks and counting….

Five weeks from right now, if our baby girls haven’t made an appearance on their own yet, Kyle and I will be headed south to the Christ Hospital (notice that it’s 5am. Yikes!) to check-in for my c-section. Well, that is of course if I’m not already boarding there 😉

I have a plethora of emotions about this. For so long, I prayed that we would at least make it to 30 weeks. When I got put on bedrest at just shy of 28 weeks, I took each new day with a grain of salt, and was thrilled that we had made it as far as we had. Now, however, I’m nothing short of terrified that I will go that long.

I have to pat myself on the back and remind Kyle (and anyone interested) that I have been such a lovely pregnant girl, despite being thrown one insanely uncomfortable obstacle after another. I didn’t turn into psycho chick with all of the hormone changes of the first trimester. I don’t recall complaining one time (neither does he!) about the incessant vomiting, inability to walk, etc. I have cried (a lot) about these back spasms, but haven’t really lost my mind or gone too nuts on anyone 🙂 When the third trimester hit, I got a little more emotional but still have spared Kyle quite the difficulty that supposedly comes with raging mad pregnant women. Heck, he almost missed out on any of the attacks since he won’t get any of the hysterical fits during labor, either.

We should have known we couldn’t come out of it without any battle scars, or at least interesting anecdotes! 🙂 These last few weeks have become increasingly trying for me emotionally. I’m positive it doesn’t help being stuck at home all day, most days, often alone, just me and my brain. It doesn’t help that sitting on the couch all day makes me feel physically more and more like crap. And it doesn’t help that I continue to grow rapidly, measuring above and beyond full-term. I know all pregnant women struggle at the end of their pregnancies, especially with any additional pains, etc. But to be larger than that, and still theoretically have longer to wait, is just depressing. Then comes the guilt for feeling so desperate to get these girls out that I very often think I’d rather stay at the Christ a little while longer than stay pregnant for that same length of time.

Ugh! Please just keep me (us) in your prayers, for emotional peace. Some nights, as Kyle can attest, are very hard. I have, at times, made up for my lack of strange rants that might come during a delivery, just getting them out ahead of time. There are just some days that I don’t know how I could possibly make it any longer under these circumstances. :'(

And then sometimes, of course, I remember that it’s all just in God’s hands. He knows whether or not they’ll have hair on their heads. He knows who will come out first. He knows their birthday, even if we can’t begin to guess when that day might come. He also is in control of every other aspect of the outcome. If they come at 33 weeks, they could be fine – with little to no intervention necessary. If they come at 36.5 weeks, when they should be perfect, they might need some help. Each pregnancy, each baby is so different, and it really doesn’t matter when we think they will or want them to come out to meet us all. The details are simply not in our control, the OB’s control, or even the hospital’s control. Truthfully, we’re realizing that the outcomes are not even directly related to the gestation once you reach this point.

That provides a little bit of peace, most of the time. The rest I guess needs to come from knowing that we were blessed with two at once very much on purpose, and that we are going to get through these weeks and be doubly blessed in the end. If only my body would stop sending such awful signals to my brain. Too bad it doesn’t understand any of this… it just knows, that if it were up to us, we’d be done! What a bummer (or a good thing?) it’s not.

Comments

  1. hang in there, kiddo!! you are doing great and look beautiful. what does your wednesday afternoon look like?? i might come down after my meeting, maybe 12 or a little after. let me know.

  2. Hey Jen, I feel so sorry for the pain and discomfort that you are feeling and will be feeling. Maybe it’s about time to ease up on yourself and let loose sometimes. You definitely have been a trooper, there’s no doubt about it, but letting loose some won’t kill anyone. I’m glad that you can still keep some perspective at this point and will pray that you can keep it:-), for your own sake. All our love goes out to you, along with our prayers and thoughts.