…. with Joy.

I can’t sleep tonight. At first it was because one of my daughters forgot how. Still, she’s been asleep for nearly an hour now, and yet there I found myself — lying in bed with tears streaming down my face.

A year ago today (10/22) was one of hands down the most uncertain day of my life. It’s not common knowledge, nor is it about to become common knowledge at 3:44am (on an internet blog no less) what kinds of things Kyle and I faced before these beautiful girls were given to us. After lots of medical crap, hearing lots of awful news, and both of us undergoing multiple invasive procedures, Kyle and I were left on this day (-366) with the most important reminder – one that had been true long before we ever even met. The reality is, and always was, that God knew what was in store for us. When all was said and done (ok, and really the whole time), He was the one in control.

One year ago, I had 2 lives growing inside of me that were nothing short of about 9 cells each. We waited with such incredible uncertainty and anxiety…. in a place so overwhelming that one can’t likely imagine unless he/she is faced with the same circumstances. We were trying desperately to understand what His plan was for us, trying to cast our cares on Him, but we were so heavy-hearted that, admittedly, the task seemed impossible.

And yet, while I was (we were) at the most unsure moment in my life, the Creator was fast at work already, making two beautiful, perfect little girls – exactly as He had planned them – from practically nothing. Isn’t that just true of who He is? He really knows what’s going on, even when – ESPECIALLY when – we don’t have the first clue.

I’m so thankful for the folks at the RE office who were with Kyle and I along this journey, who were so supportive. I’m so thankful for advances in medicine that allow us to understand the human body, allow us to treat ailments and save lives and find answers to some pretty big questions.

But more than this — so much more than this — I am thankful for the God who knew Elise Nicole and Avery Jade before they were born… who formed them in their mother’s womb (hey, that’s me!)… who knows the plans He has for them, and for me, and for you.

I thought about apologizing for the sap, especially at such an early hour. But if I’m sitting here all morning practically weeping at God’s grace, then I thought maybe you should be reminded of it, too. 🙂


  1. Beautifully said Jen. If only others could truly understand the grace that He offers us. I am so saddened to realize that some day many will be separated from His love forever. I pray that they realize their need for a Savior. God is indeed our Father but we needed His Son to bring salvation. That is the next thing to weep about. Trying to wrap our arms around — how God could give His only Son for folks like us, who He knew would live such ungodly lives and be so unappreciative for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us. I am sorry you and Kyle had to endure such uncertain times and pray that through it all you both will be reminded often of His sovereignty, His abounding love, mercy and grace. We love you all! Hope you were able to get some sleep at some point.

  2. I’m not even going to try to write some crazy long paragraph like Mommy did or try to say anything as beautifully well-put as you have written your blog, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing the post, because it was incredibly wonderful to read. =]