Heavy Heart

It’s after 4am on a day almost certainly different than the one in which this post actually “goes to press” – if it ever does.  I’ve been up since about 1, and finally found myself here.  In need of catharsis?  Perhaps.  Either way, this might be a bit of a downer post.  Feel free to skip it… it will soon be buried among more catch-up posts before we leave for vacation 😉

I – we – want another baby.  Or two.  Who knows.  Either way, Kyle and I feel our family isn’t complete, and yet due to a medical history out of anyone’s control, it’s not working out how we would like.

We’ve been here before, only childless and without the incredible joy Elise and Avery have brought us over the last 862 days (and counting).  Certainly we know God has blessed us beyond anything we deserve with these two precious girls, and we never, ever forget that –  or the couples who haven’t even the experience of having their first child.

But I’m not going to lie, the last several months have been hard (again).  Really hard.  We’ve been through so much more than is “fair” (don’t worry – I haven’t forgotten about grace and mercy and what is actually “fair”, I’m just speaking from a whiny human heart for a minute, one that has been through more than most can imagine).  We have no idea when or how it all ends, and it just stinks.

And yet….

In Bible study last week (“The Life You’ve Always Wanted“) we talked a lot about slowing down, and about joy.  The study on slowing down was really about eliminating hurry from our lives – which is important, but not what I’ve been clinging to the past week.  In the midst of that conversation was this idea of sitting, alone with God, being reminded of the foundation of who we are created to be – completely separate from the things we accomplish, the things we fail to accomplish… or, say, the children we have or don’t have.  I believe we are created with a purpose and a plan on our lives even – especially? – when things don’t go the way we expect them to, but gosh I need reminded of that over and over again.

And then there is this idea of joy – unrelated to circumstances.  The last few days, despite some news that makes me deeply sad, I’ve had this incredible peace.  Joy, even!  As a child, every moment has the potential for unimaginable joy.  We seem to lose that as adults, though we were created with just that in mind.  Did you know that God commands his followers to be joyful?  And really, we have every reason to be – and more.  I look at all I have been given, and I think about all the things God still has in store for my family (of 4? of more?) and can’t help but be grateful.  Overwhelmed, in fact, that I would be so incredibly blessed.  It’s truly amazing.

So why the waterworks still?  I’m experiencing this weird dichotomy right now….. a totally broken heart.  Sadness.  A bit of fear.  But at the same time, incredible peace.  I know, I can’t make sense of it either.  My heart is completely at peace, but I can’t stop bawling.

I think it’s just this: I know everything is going to be okay.  God, the creator of life and worker of miracles, will provide another child for us if it’s in His plan.  And if it’s not?  Well we’ll be okay then, too.  We’ll be more than ok.  We will be – are – blessed beyond measure.

I’m still scared it won’t work out the way I am so desperately longing…  I’m sad that we might not have the exact family I thought we would… I’m worried about the financial aspect of it all… and I’m exhausted from battling a variety of emotions that come with all of this.  I’m struggling even more with how quickly time flies with my two sweet daughters.

But mostly, I’m well – when my focus is right.  I just felt the need to share, because sometimes I realize (and hate) that some of the most important people in my world have no idea I’m hurting so.  The last thing I want is a big to-do about all of this… in fact, I don’t really even want to talk about it any more than I have wanted to in the past.  I just wanted you to know.  And of course we covet your prayers, for continued peace if nothing else.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming….